Who did Billy Mays play for?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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