I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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