I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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