my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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