Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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