I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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