she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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