Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
