How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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