well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
