so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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