so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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