You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
