U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I'm passing your future prison.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
