This is not my ceiling
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
