I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
