how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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