Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
