Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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