Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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