Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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