I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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