hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
