went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
