And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
