I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I smell stomach acid.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
