apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
