I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
