How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
