Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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