I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
