I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
