I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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