i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
