JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
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i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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