i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
