My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
