you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
