My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
