That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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