we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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