Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
