And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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