just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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