I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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