The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
