my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
