Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
