I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
