Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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