This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
