You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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