He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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