I puked a lego.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
