I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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