got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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