a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
