Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
